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Silence Exile and Crumpets
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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Roz Kaveney's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, July 12th, 2016
1:05 am
Second poem of the night

Braid blend her kiss and someone else's breast
you don't remember you were drunk that year
hair snagged on stud your finger twists that ear
another night. The small hairs on his chest
soft silk folds lemon sweat of his kind dick
the scratch of that rich bastard's well-ironed sheet
quick ache contraction that time that you meet
her you were with for years. The smell of sick
you stroked out poison finger in her throat.
Salt char and blood and mustard tanging steak
with fuck under the table that same night
she scratched blood jagged neck during that fight
that one last time was really a mistake.
I love these words. I do. I hope to try
for shrieks and moans remembered as I die.
12:35 am

Summers of vintage sweat damp down pale skin
picnic ham artichoke salt on the tongue
licks kisses hand. Even the old are young
In memory. Their sepia photo grin

code for the last good fuck before things fell
tunetinny halfremembered whatsitsname
fourteen or sixteen it will be the same
friends die one day and then you die as well

in mud and gangrene blotches on your face
no food in gut you emptied all your shit
scraped it with rat bits in an open pit
you never get to walk from this last place

gold set your death escape was not a chance
smile fear and love. And then you turn and dance.
Thursday, July 7th, 2016
1:06 am
First poem for a while.

Not to seduce. But look straight in her eyes
mostly relieve her boredom as you leave
she's on the door. With words you try to weave
a little spell. Maybe you will surprise
her with a feeling she's not felt before
for moments though you're old and rather fat
nice skin and piercing eyes might outweigh that
recite a poem. Saints might well deplore
this moment's conversation. There is lust
there somewhere in the mix, at least a thought
of how she'd moan. But even if you've caught
her webbed for just a second. Do not trust
your own behaviour, what remains of charm
Smile a goodbye. Don't even touch her arm.
Monday, June 27th, 2016
10:19 am
Yet again.

There is another dance. Knives fully drawn
They stand in line and click their booted feet
Swap compliments and wives. 'Her lips are sweet
But mine fucks like a ferret'. As the dawn

Breaks bloody. They all turn and take a bow
To us who watch. One carves another's spleen
Elegant bloodlessly. This all has been
Prelude to fast fierce murder. Starting now

Pattern dance ritual and politesse
Laws somehow though we do not see their sense
Payment for slights that no one sane resents
The dance floor sodden soiled shit guts blood mess

Dead all the dancers following those rules
Dead all who watch those bloody minded fools.
Saturday, June 18th, 2016
11:20 am

How did we get to here? We know full well
Each step along the way? Each curse each blow
Each shame unblushed for. This is how we go
Step stumble down the broad clear path to Hell.

Intending badly. Wanting others' death
Or just not caring that we save their life.
He shouted killed her with a gun or knife
So many drowned. We could have saved their breath.

She tried to. Never frightened to offend
The selfish hating put one country first
Above who starve bleed sweat and die of thirst.
Who pleased appeased still never sated. Friend

Remember her. She did much. Just enough
To die for decent kind and basic stuff.
Monday, June 13th, 2016
5:09 pm

Hole star crack shatter in the mirrored glass
lights dimmed but not as mourning music still
plays as it played when he came into kill
not dance but reap with gun the living grass

young men and women mixed black brown and white
who breathed and danced and suddenly they bled
who lived and laughed until he left them dead
their pride love lasting more than that last night.

And when men came to wash the blood away
friends loves and parents love wailed like a choir
a hundred ringing phones. Killed for desire
concern past death. They will not fade to gray

in memory but speak. ' It was not fair
that I should die in pain for being there.'
4:57 pm

Who look into the glass and see His Face
Bad angry father with a whip or gun
worship stroke beard where most would scream and run
think of their hatred as a sign of grace

limit unknowable to simple rules
know tiny fraction of what built the stars
bask favoured in large red and sharp-lined cars
grab wages from poor people they think fools

cast out the stranger, do not mourn the dead,
blame sickness and on prisons turn the key.
Wish worst misfortunes upon you and me
and have no loving thought within their head

Leave holy books unread on a high shelf
And hate their neighbour as they should themself
12:54 am

How can I speak or sing when not one word
Nor note can fill the silence that is left
When shots and screams are ended? We, bereft
Mourn do not even moan. Stunned. If a bird

Should chirrup, we would hush. Perhaps we dance
As they were dancing. Tango or pavane,
Solemn and sexual. Forget the man
Who shot. Forever. And those who preach prance

Before him after him. And do not hear
Their words malodorous and empty wind.
They have no place. Remember to be kind
For all the dead. And also bleed a tear.

My words are little more than adequate.
A scream of love confronting so much hate.
Sunday, June 12th, 2016
11:54 am
Modest clearing of throat
Amd while I was in NY, I won the Lambda for Transgender Fiction, for TINY PIECES OF SKULL.
10:36 am
I'm not a believer, but I once was...
... and I know what belief feels like and still have those feelings, just not attached to belief.

for Aoife Assumpta Hart

We kindle at old sights as we come home.
The street sign, street lamp. Smell of rainfreshed grass
Of well-remembered lawns. And as we pass
On childhood paths, life now is foam

And evanescent. Lost in Her embrace.
Ocean is vast. We stretch and yawn and drown
Warm as our blood. She does not need a crown
Essential Queen. We always know her face

Welcome in dreams and giant as a cloud
Floats unconditional and healing balm
Held firm soft triangle of pillow arm
Accepted vast in glory never proud

We wake we leave and know we will return
Grace warmth praise love we never have to earn.
10:33 am
Another NY poem

LIght rain. A cream cheese bagel. Salad stuff.
Outside squatting a bench a mad trombone
Chunters and whines off key. A sort of drone
Never quite musical but dour enough

To be communication. 'Screw your art,
You pretty people with flamingo hair,
Baristas, poets. I was sitting there
Just there with an expresso when my heart

Jumped slightly. I saw failure as the bride
Who sought me out. I blow this horn to tell
Her tatters black and veil seek you as well'
And as he blew his sorry tale he cried

In tears as dark as coffee. And we knew
For most of us it was our tale he blew.
10:32 am
Written in NY

His fights were dance and force. The sheen of sweat
On muscle. Wit in eyes. Sharp angry tongue.
He was so beautiful when he was young.
Still so when he had started to forget

And faced his maimed old age with equal grace
As on his day in court great to refuse
A war a name his people did not choose.
His art was punching people in the face.

And being punched. The insults to his brain
Accumulate. We watch we can admire
An energy destruction brilliance fire
And hope we never see his like again.

The greatest and the best his vicious skill.
But greatest when he said he would not kill.
Friday, May 20th, 2016
10:13 am
New poem
Some leave so early. We just get a taste
Of who they would have been. Perhaps a song
Or a novella. They were not here long
Enough to write much, scrawled it down in haste
A breath behind their ear a warning twinge
Death teeth at neck a shudder in short hair
A bat so small that it could tangle there
A squeak that might have been an unoiled hinge
But was not. Maybe pledged themselves to die
By hunger needles love or evil chance
Tore from our arms into black ragged dance
Yet not. Romantic imagery's a lie.

No consolation. Just the brutal fact
They're gone.No time for metaphor or tact.
Sunday, May 15th, 2016
10:24 am
There was a story about using computers to check the likely date of one of her poems

Each day we know more. Knowledge in the net
And fish and random wood. Alone she slept
She doesn't say so we don't know she wept.
The moon was down. The Pleiades had set.

We count the stars roll backwards in their flight.
We've known her words speak truth about the heart
Of how love ends or tears and headaches start
We ascertain the week perhaps the night

She slept alone. Which makes it no more true
But somehow satisfies and warms the mind
With tiny certainties. I leave behind
Precise notations of my love for you.

Critics trust her nor me and speculate
A metaphor behind each lying date.
Tuesday, May 10th, 2016
11:34 pm
There's this weird clip on YouTube

In that last film he's nothing but a glare
face locked fools gold where once those brilliant eyes
torn paper folded brow was once so wise.
His own abyss looks out in that blank stare.

Something was not quite working in his brain
one day. He'd hardly noticed it before.
Thoughts burn to sudden chaos and his jaw
so slightly twitches. Nothing. No great pain

says why. Throws arms around a weeping horse
whipped in the street. So much he cannot save.
Perhaps it's kinder would be brave.
Where do they come from anger and remorse?

Lost in himself he never laughed or cried.
Was dionysus lord the crucified.
12:59 am
And an older one that I never posted because it was too raw at the time

Godlike he holds her hand. She smiles. Salt tears
Headhearthurts. So you write it in a song.
They're dead. You too. The poem lasts so long
I'm yelling at you from three thousand years.
She's smart. She doesn't shriek your name aloud
at awkard moments. Sometimes quotes your verse.
He asks about you. Her replies are terse.
Smiles thinking he's not looking smiles are proud.
He sort of gets it. That first night he caught
your glance, your swift departure. Treats her kind;
comparisons are always on his mind.
you're competition still. If jealous thought
caroms around your brain like iron wheels,
You're fucking Sappho, bitch. Think how he feels.
12:50 am
And another

She goes on living working. On her skin
age verse grief love write complex telling lines
beauty transmutes remains deceiving signs
laughter's own creases change them. And within
she feels sixteen but tired. Late night sweat
lust for his ashes to regenerate
wishes to sleep aches it's so very late
her flight's at dawn. Wants several minutes yet
of memory of muscle at her back
arm curve that gave a backbeat to a song
so young she has been singing it so long
crow caws pearl note. But no one hears the lack
she hears it mourns it welcomes every loss.
Art the skilled throw the hazard wily toss.
12:36 am
New poem

All writers are imaginary friends
who whisper in my ear, throw shady looks
over my verse and prose. And move dark rooks
castle my lines with unexpected ends.

Each other's muses when the muses sleep
engaged in sly erotics of shared soul.
Die maybe done or not. The bells that toll
new measure of how reputations leap

to classic or remaindered as obscure
and then return allusions make us smile
echoes that linger. Always for a while
long life perhaps but deathless is unsure

My mortal colleagues voices in my head
may I too linger somewhere when I'm dead.
Thursday, March 31st, 2016
10:38 am
In August 1979, when I definitively transitioned, I made a decision to be entirely open about being trans. This was not particularly about being virtuous - I reasoned that at 6 ft 4 I was always liable to be read and that if I wanted to write and review and write reports on novels and television scripts, I was always liable to run into people who had known me at Oxford or at Yorkshire Television.

It also meant that I could write about being trans - this became almost immediately relevant because of the publication of Janice Raymond's book.

It was consistent with the liberationist politics I had held during my GLF days and with how some of my older friends like Rachel Pollack had chosen to live their lives.

I did not intend it as a rebuke to those of my friends who wanted to live in stealth or who had been chivvied into stealth by their GICs; I was lucky to have a psychiatrist who accepted that my reasoning about my career was valid.

I have never regretted being either trans or visible. Generally, I have the level of acceptance as a woman who happens to be trans that I am comfortable with - occasional idiocies aside...

Plenty of trans people do not have the level of privilege I had and have; you do what life lets you do.
Saturday, March 19th, 2016
5:39 pm
And a poem prompted by knowing I was going to see REBEL DYKES OF THE 1980s a few hours later

Belltime black spark.Joints passed on iron stair
Red smear kiss quick in mirror broken glass
Love sudden random hand deep on your arse
Splashed stale smoke lager sweat in short blonde hair

Mandala painted leather. Broken zips
Open to breast dark armpit sudden heft
Hand clutches. Know who made love when they left
Who sweated lonely, memory on lips

Which did not follow through. Until next week.
Two years we cycled through and lust around
Went love hate glory pain. The things we found
And then the music. Memory's a tweak

Pinches old scars. We danced there for a while
Now gone to weep the tears that make us smile
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