Roz Kaveney (rozk) wrote,
Roz Kaveney

And since it is Outer Alliance

And since I am, suddenly, a queer poet as well as a queer novelist


I thought, I feared, I knew
I was the needy one
She had the top hand, the whip hand
Not only

I thought
this, all this, might be special
and I am the sensitive one,
know we are special
know that we are star-crossed
know what we have
know what we need
what I need
She's young
glitter distracts her
a lot of glitter comes her way.


I look back now
I looked at myself then
in harsh mirrors.
Rage shame rage again.
How much our virtue comes
from self-contempt.
I did the right thing
Felt the right thing
Not easily.
Because of need.

Someone said
someone shouted at me
all the things I feared
snob, stalker, pest.

Then, not in the mirror, in the truth,
I saw
She comes to me,
waits on my stairs
sleeps in my bed
not sure if I can hear.
She loves
the curve of my neck
broad shoulders
soft pillow flesh

someone said
she had complained.

She said it was weakness, she said it was pressure, she said and looked sad and weak and small.
Cold and hot and heartless
I set rules
Would not ring
Would not wait on her stairs
Would answer calls
Would see her when she needed me
Would never
Need her
She had to ring,
she had to call
she had to wait on stairs.

And nothing changed
she rang, she came
on my balcony
and nothing changed.
I needed her to need me to need her to need me.
She needed me.
If need is love, we were
such lovers.
You can't prove love,
we proved we felt
Tags: poetry ashleigh desire
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