Like 'The Mummy', only even more so, it is a steaming great pile of wonderfully camp old tosh that knows perfectly well what it is and glories in it. We are talking a movie that starts with a black and white mob storming Frankenstein's castle in Transylvania as he creates the Monster and is killed by Dracula who has plans of his own and we get the flaming windmill on top of that. We have Van Helsing killing Mr Hyde on top of Notre Dame with a half-built Eiffel Tower in the distance - and Hyde voiced by Robbie Coltrane at that. We have a secret order of Catholic monster killers led by Alun Armstrong as a very dodgy Cardinal and David Wenham as Van Helsing's Q equivalent whom he drags off with him after the Count. We have Kate Beckinsale in a bustier - always a good thing - and so many weapons strapped to her that it is surprising she can stand up - she also has quite the dodgiest of many very dodgy accents. And it just keeps coming - Stephen Summers thinks five minutes wasted if there has not been a new grotesque, someone swinging on a rope, someone falling off something or the Brides of Dracula dropping a cow through a roof by the half-way mark.
It has a very very loud score - sort of 'Indiana Jones' meets 'Return of the King' without that overuse of pianissimo.
It is intermittently slashtastic and steals comprehensively from everything from Alien to Buffy.
I think I am in love.