Roz Kaveney (rozk) wrote,
Roz Kaveney
rozk

Bunny from Hell

I'm writing the whole Dawn and Kennedy in Rome story, honest I am, and bar wandering tenses and a big sex scene to write, you should see something in a day or two. My Christmas present to the slashy world.

But in the mean time, I've been talking to gonzo21 about the huge mega cross-over fic that I am not going to write, not ever, not even if bribed. But which would be very very cute and silly. And wrong.



We are somewhere in the middle of Season Five of Xena; her daughter Eve has been born and the Olympian Gods are racing around trying to kill the little baby, because prophesy says, it will kill them all. Only, in this AU, Athena goddess of wisdom gets a clue, and goes and talks to the Fates, and says 'This twilight thingy - just checking. It's not that we go after Xena's child and so Xena finds a way to come after us, and if we left well enough alone, we'd be OK. Is it?' And the Fates stand around being irritatingly cryptic because that's what they do, and Athena goes 'Ah ha! You're refusing to confirm or deny, which means I am on to something.'

Then she reflects 'Xena is trouble, always has been. Let's just get rid of her, but in a not trying to kill her sort of way. And her irritating girlfriend as well.'

So she has someone open a portal between worlds and drops Xena and Gabrielle through it. And Ares goes after them because he really really wants to shag Xena someday.

So, the three of them find themselves in a strangely familiar landscape and there is an armed man harrassing what they take to be a small boy, with furry feet. And Xena says 'Put that boy down, you bully' and bounces her chakra off his skull a little.

Only then the boy disappears, which confuses them, until Ares says 'Oh, some helmet of invisibility or something. Like Hades has.'

But little furry feet have run off to their destiny.

And Xena and Boromir - for it is he - face off in a macho way at each other, and then a bunch of Uruk-Hai come over the hill and Boromir starts blowing his horn and chasing off after irritating comedy sidekicks. And Xena and Gabrielle fall into their old routine, and Ares tries not to get involved, but he sees big mean white-hand orc with bow and blasts him, because archery is cheating in his world, mostly.

And the upshot of this is Xena and Gabrielle wandering around MiddleEarth refusing to listen when people make long inspirational speeches, and having crushes on people, and having people have crushes on them. And Ares comes to that sees another bearded rough diamond and thinks how cute Aragorn would look in black leather, just like his, and isn't it interesting we have similar names.

This is Season Five Gabrielle, so she is not entirely embarrassing about Galadriel, but she hangs around nodding a lot as Galadriel rabbits on, and eating salads with her. Eowyn is very keen on this because anything that gets Gabrielle away from Xena is a good thing, because Eowyn sees Xena as the role model she has been looking for all her life.

Merry and Pippin never get captured by orcs and so stay irritating comedy sidekicks, and Xena subjects them to harsh horseplay once in a while, because she knows how to handle irritating comedy sidekicks.

Gandalf comes back from the dead and announces the fact at length. And Xena and Gabrielle go, perlease, like we didn't come back from the dead already ourselves. And you think Balrogs are scary; you should meet Gabrielle's evil demon daughter and evil monster grandson sometime. And Gandalf gets very sulky.

So anyway, they kick a lot of Orc butt, and make Theoden snap out of it, and march to the rescue of Minas Tirith. Only there isn't much of an army left besieging it, as it happens.

Because, meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Frodo, Sam and Gollum are slogging through the Dead Marshes when they tread on something hard amid the squelch. It's a ship, a living ship, and John Crichton hails them and says 'Hey, small guys, we were just hiding our ship in your marsh.'

Chiana just squees about Frodo, because he is the cutest little thing since teenage Crichton, and Gollum squelches back into the marshes because he cannot handle this at all, and Scorpius finds the whole thing terribly interesting. And Aeryn Sun gets into her prowler and blasts a whole slew of pterodactyl-riding Nazgul out of the sky, because it's what she does.

Obviously you can't destroy Ringwraiths that way, but plasma cannon can inconvenience them quite a lot.

John Crichton knows perfectly well that they have walked into the second volume of a book he read in his teens, and that this is probably someone messing with his head, but he still doesn't let Rygel steal the Ring, because it's the sort of thing you don't let a Dominar near.

So Gandalf turns up and announces he is back from the dead and everyone looks at him sardonically and he shuts up about it, and goes off and plays chess with Scorpius and grumbles about how no-one gives you any respect any more.

There is a great council, about what to do with Sauron, and Xena proposes a frontal assault and Aeryn Sun remarks unoriginally that they should get into her shuttle and nuke him from orbit, it's the only way to be sure. So they do, and then get down to the serious business of endless recombinant pairings that cry out to be written. Somehow the Farscape mob and the Xena mob become more plausible pairings if they are both all at sea in MiddleEarth.

And I am not going to write any of this, no way, not ever. Because it would be a very wrong thing.

In other matters, I am not going to discuss David Blunkett because it probably doesn't change very much and it would be tasteless to intrude on private grief by going HawHaw like the bully in the Simpsons.

And I agreed with paratti that the Iranians have been executing young sexually attractive women, and also gay men and dykes, ever since the 70s, and it is rather interesting that we are suddenly being told about it, a lot, right now. When a war needs sanitising.
Many Western countries have been sending people back to the gallows and the stoning field for years.

And somehow it is suddenly news that Iran kills on the same scale as the US and China.
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